I am very disconnected tonight. Nothing feels quite right and I'm not even sure who I am. I've not allowed myself to be sad, or angry, or lonely. I don't feel anything yet. If anything, I'm a little embarrassed. A lot embarrassed… I guess I'm waiting for the fall.
Tonight all its taken to turn me into a heap of uselessness is a slight change in routine. All its taken is one hour difference and I'm a blubbering mess questioning who I am and what is my purpose on the earth? Why am I the way I am and why am I a slave to my disorder?
I've used words like 'disposable' and 'stupid' a lot in the past few days to describe myself because when people around you only confirm everything you've been thinking about yourself there's nothing else to do other than accept it and live with the fact you are a toxic person. I'm angry, I'm manipulative, I'm full on, I'm too much, I'm not enough………. I KNOW!
When you feel SO much it only makes it harder when you lose something, I don’t think people can understand the extent of that. Everything I've felt and everything I will feel in the future is so strong I could burst. To burst with happiness only comes at a cost of breaking into a thousand pieces when you're sad, there's no in between and right now, at this point that I am writing this, there are a thousand pieces of me on the floor. Its going to take me a long time to pick them up, only to be scattered on the floor once again when I allow myself to feel these feelings. The highs never last as long as the lows.
I am so selfish for using the word 'lonely' to describe the way I feel. I have everything and everyone I need and I still don't have enough. Sometimes it’s the only word that comes to mind. Its exhausting trying to describe the way this disorder makes you feel, when you feel everything and nothing all at once.
Tonight is one of those nights when I don’t know how I will ever learn to live with this, it just seems too hard.